religion and politics...

i just sat through a 6 hour executive board meeting of the denominational leadership in the area... also - where i work... before now, religious denominational leadership is not an issue i would be that concerned with... this time, however, it kind of affects my job...

tonight, a search committee presented a candidate to the executive board for voting to be our new executive director/treasurer... he would be my new "big boss..." - i have a direct supervisor (the leader of the communications team...) but his supervisor would be this guy...

and so we had to go through all these parliamentary procedures... i felt like i was in 9th grade civics class...

there wasn't much argument on the subject, which was very much of a relief... i know how heated things can be - especially within the context of religious life...

overall, i was very encouraged by this man's heart to minister to those that don't have a relationship with Christ... to those in our area who have yet to experience God's love... but not in a shove-it-down-your-throat kind of way...

my struggle was... where do i fit into this denominational mix... i definitely hate the game... for meetings like this, you put on your "sunday best" and put on a nice big smile and meet and greet... it feels kind of put-on... like i'm an actor in some bad drama... i want to know what people really think... i want to know the desires of their heart... for real... as well as what movies they've seen lately and what is their favorite tv show... i feel like there are few out there "like me"...

in talking with my supervisor who is more "like me" than most of the people i work with (i'm pretty sure - he's one that will talk about "stuff" with me - and most others don't - or they do but they don't feel the same way as me...), he expressed some of the same ideas... i don't feel like i fit into this southern baptist mold... at the same time, i play the game... partially because it's kind of required of me for my job (to not be seen as a rebel and on the outskirts of work-life...) and partially because i want to play the game - i feel like i won't get ahead (not that it's all about that... but i do want to be recognized as valid in my job and in ministry) if i hide behind my email address and cubicle walls... i need to know the names, faces... they need to see me...

blah...

in the end, they voted (33-2) to submit him to the convention (all the southern baptists in the northwest) for approval... he'll be voted on in march... if that goes well, mid-april, i'll have a new big-boss...

a good thing is... i got hired in the in-between time, when there was no "big-boss" - the old "big-boss" is now the president of my school... which is great... he was an excellent leader (from the outside looking in...) - but i have less adjusting to do than others... they served under a different leadership style first... and frankly, i'm looking forward to a change, in some ways... plus he's really supportive of communications, in general... which is my area... (it doesn't sound like my job is being cut - or anyone else's for that matter...)

i feel really good about the whole thing, despite the process... but it's part of life... i am just trying to figure out how i fit into the mix...

what's in a name...

i saw this link on amy's site and i went to it, and here is the description surrounding my name...

Although the name Robyn creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes procrastination, lack of confidence, and the inability to realize your goals and ambitions. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, and worry or mental tension.

As Robyn you are rather serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You have the gift of tact and diplomacy, and possess a charming, easy-going nature which endears you to others. You have a serious desire to understand the heart and mind of everyone, and could be very effective in a career or in volunteer work where you are handling people and serving in a humanitarian way. This name also gives you a love of home and family, and as a parent you would likely be fair and understanding.

***
my name is a varied form of robert, which... Means "bright fame", derived from the Germanic elements hrod "fame" and beraht "bright".

(i'm famous!)

***

3 hours have passed... i forgot the window was open and i never completed the post... what did it say about procrastination? but i do want to understand your heart and mind... :)

interesting stuff... even if my parents did not pray over what to name me (i don't know if they did or not), did they choose my name or do our names choose us... that's a weird concept... are we shaped by our names or would i be the exact same person if my name was sarah or leigh... i don't know - just random thoughts... now it's lunch time!!!

back to "normal"

i got back late last night from san francisco... there were only 13 people on my late-night flight and i was the only woman... i called my friend jeff and said, "i just spent 2 hours in a dark cabin with 13 men..." - it was pretty funny... probably not...

i didn't sleep well last night... i think i was afraid i'd oversleep... but i didn't... i went to work this morning - same old routine... it was a typical day... but i couldn't figure out why i had a hard time focusing on work... i didn't want to be sitting at my desk at all... (ironically, i'm here way past working-time, at my desk, by choice)

i had been in classes for 8 hours the last couple of days... i couldn't get up and freely move about... but today, as i had quite a bit of freedom, i found it hard to sit still... i could listen to what i wanted, prioritize my work in the way i wanted... walk down the hall if i needed to... but i felt trapped and very tired...

i couldn't really figure out until just now... when i was in san francisco, i spent a lot of times with friend(s)... i spent a lot of time with jeff, and then less time, but still, time, with other people... they were people my age, kind of in the same place... but i just felt the community of friendship and then i guess today i realized i went back to the life of isolation i feel surrounds me... which is also ironic, because i live with 8 people!

strange...

i also have been realizing how self-centered i am... self-absorbed, selfish... pretty much all about me... i've been reading Blue Like Jazz the last couple of days (should finish it tonight or tomorrow), and i can totally relate with some stuff that miller addresses... most of all, the ideas of self-absorption...

i did have a great talk with my friend elijah while i was in s.f. - God through him in my life is incredible... i'm amazed at the things he says, because i know he speaks truth into my life... but at the same time, he sees right through me... this i don't like... i have kind of learned all the "right" answers... that's what happens after a while... elijah would just say, "you're aware... very aware... but you don't listen..."

lots of words and many tears later, i felt like truth had been spoken into my life... and while some of it feels great... i have to be honest and say that some of it hurts... stings...

i don't really want this "normal" to be the norm... "i am looking for a dare to be great situation..."

now that i've got that out of the way...

i'm going to san francisco tomorrow... i'm really excited about it... a few reasons:
1) i get to meet some people i work with over the phone all the time... they work at the main campus of my school and we do all the printing for them - but i've never actually met "them" - and i work with "them" on a regular basis...
2) i'm renting a car, which is totally fun for me - and i may have found a way to get it really cheap because of work...
3) i get to hang out with an old friend from camp '01 and his girlfriend and a good friend of mine who just moved down there - because now they're friends and they work together... (there are already plans for dinner for tomorrow night)
4) i'll have 1 of 4 overnight trips accomplished for 2005.
5) i'm really looking forward to the class that i'm taking (L1411 Christian Ethics)
6) it's like a vacation, kind of... i get the weekend for play time before class starts on monday
7) over the weekend, i get to decide how to allocate my retirement funds (more on that after i come up with 10 reasons)
8) i get to hang out in san francisco... that's a reason all on it's own - s.f. is cool!
9) i get to play chauffer from the airport sunday night for friends flying in from here...
10) i get to use those two days as paid vacation days (okay, i'm getting to that part...)

so i alluded to some big news twice in my list (#7 and #10)... i had a meeting with the business manager at work yesterday and i'm now on salary... which means...

• i have a consistent, steady paycheck... the same every month - which is SO GREAT for budgeting...
• i get 2 weeks paid vacation a year (and once i've been here 6 years, i get 3 weeks...)
• i'm provided with sick days, medical insurance, retirement fund...

it's a good deal... and i'm really thankful for it... i feel so honored to have this job... and it's a great job on top of that...

i'm getting a new boss pretty soon - within the next few months... and that might change some things... but i think it will be for the better - knowing my luck, he'll decide there's no need for a graphic designer/production assistant and i'll have to go beg for my job back at michael's... aagghhh... nightmare!

anyway - i'm going to go home so i can pack and get some rest so i can be ready for travel tomorrow... i think i'm going to be smart and try and get it all in a carry on so i don't have to check bags... that will make my life much simpler!

and just because i feel like it - 5 things that i'm happy about/thankful for today

1. on my first day of work (2 months ago), i worked on a design for a church - and a couple came in today from the church and we worked more on their design and got it in the final stages - it's a cool thing - i got to work with them from start to finish - which was a cool completion thing for me - they came in today and picked out colors and paper... it just felt really cool...

2. my cool friend david took me out to dinner

3. it's friday which starts the weekend

4. i was really encouraged by my reading this morning from my devotion (i may include some of it at the bottom)

5. i listened to my new howie day cd at work today and it rocks!

okay - i'll include it...

January 7 - The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and it can be even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow. It is a unity of souls that give nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.

Bread for the Journey - Henri J.M. Nouwen

Thank you, dear friends, who have been this to me... it resonated with me hugely this morning!

100...

so this is my 100th post... and i wanted it to be about something cool... i got nothing... i think it's overrated - what makes 100 special? therefore, i rebel... this is it... happy 100!

sand is overrated. it's just tiny, little rocks...

goals and memories...

okay - in no particular order (just what order they came in my head) are the 25 things i want to "accomplish" in the year 2005 - (or by my birthday in 2006)

1. read 25 books
2. read the bible all the way through
3. pay off all debt
4. write at least one encouraging note or card a week
5. once a week write down all the ridiculous ideas that i can think of from the week
6. shoot at least 2 rolls of film a month
7. go on at least 4 overnight trips away from home
8. create a personal portfolio (designs, photos, writings)
9. support 2 missionaries financially
10. watch every john cusack movie i haven't seen before
11. acquire master's degree/graduate from seminary
12. be a "mary-mentor" for someone at school
13. fill up a journal
14. fall in love
15. make a t-shirt quilt
16. be in close discipleship relationships with 5 girls in my youth group
17. sing everyday
18. do 5 things i've never done before (that aren't mentioned on the list)
19. take 3 concrete steps toward making high 5 ministries a reality
20. buy fresh flowers once a month
21. drink more water
22. acquire "stuff" for a home - furniture, tv, etc...
23. make good health decisions (vague)
24. continue on the journey of living the life of the beloved... marking stages where i know i've grown...
25. not be discouraged when all of this doesn't happen, but continue the list and be challenged for 2006, not discouraged...

and, because i felt like it - here are the 25 things i loved most about 2004...

1. moving in with the mcilvains
2. amy coming to visit
3. getting a new job (career) that i love
4. going to california for thanksgiving
5. starbucks (all year long)
6. freaks and geeks (this was the year of discovery), garden state - and other various forms of entertainment - movies, music, tv... there were some greats!!
7. my jean jacket
8. working camp
9. high 5 ministries - the dream/vision
10. getting a tattoo
11. surprising my mom for her 60th birthday party
12. learning how to play pool better
13. theology class
14. incredible discussions
15. realization of growth
16. tears i cried
17. laughter
18. my blog
19. discovery of 23rd in portland and papa haydn's
20. my hair straightening iron
21. new friends
22. old friends
23. living in the northwest
24. becoming more of "me" - realizing who i am in christ... in ministry... in life...
25. a million other things that i can't remember right now, but hope i don't forget forever!

98...25...525,600...1...99...

so this is post #98... it says that i just have 75, but it's said that for a while now... and so i counted them individually... and it's 98...

so this year is kind of a big one for me... not huge... but kind of big... in a mere 4 weeks (to the day exactly), i will turn 25... a quarter of a century... i'd be lying if i said that it doesn't make me want to stop and reflect on a whole lot of stuff - and re-evaluate and be aware... i can honestly say that my life hasn't turned out like i was anticipating... that's not a bad thing... but in some ways it's not good either... different... but now... what are my weak areas? what are the areas where i need to choose to improve? what are the strengths that i need to be aware of? what are the things that bring me the most joy? sadness? hope? despair? how should that change the way i live each day? needless to say, i have a lot of questions - a lot of evaluating to do... why not today - of all days...

so, technically, starting at midnight today, i had/have 525,600 minutes in the year... for any rent fans (and some non-rent fans), you can hear the tune... 525,600 minutes... 525,000 moments so dear... 525,600 minutes... how do you measure, measure a year? technically, i've already "spent" 1380 or so... how can i make each minute count this year? what are the things that i should treasure, embrace, cherish? i have wasted a lot of minutes in the past on things that didn't matter... why not choose, this year, to spend my minutes on things that do matter?

i don't know... all just random thoughts tonight... 1 cup of passion tea later... and i don't have much clarity... i guess i need to make a list... i don't know that i'll get that done tonight... i tried it last year on my birthday - 5 things to do before i'm 25... i'm not going to get it all done... so maybe i'll work on it - and this year it can be 5 things - maybe 25 things to do while i'm 25...

maybe it will be my next entry... #99... if i can think of 25 quickly before i decide to go home and go to bed!